haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
