I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Help. Why am I so naked?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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