your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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