yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
