i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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