Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
