Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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