i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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