totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
