I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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