there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
