From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
