dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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