I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
