if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
