At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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