why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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