You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
