You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
