Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
