I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the night ended with taco bell and tears
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize