eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
