oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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