life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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