She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
