I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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