I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
