i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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