He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Im part way to drunk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
