fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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