your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
