so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
