You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
