Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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