So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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