just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
