My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
