i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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