hotel room ftw
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
