She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
