i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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