Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
