There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
