you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
