pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm passing your future prison.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
