I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
