Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
