hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
