is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
