Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
