Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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