his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
