I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize