Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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