he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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