I have demons in me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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