You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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