i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we're making bets on your personal life
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
