JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
