she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Randomize
