Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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